My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
