I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
birth control should be required to get into college
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
