if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
