i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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