Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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