I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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