Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
