got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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