I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space