She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
