I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
