I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
