The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
