i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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