So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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