Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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