your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
