I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
FUCK WHALES
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
