the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
