Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
