My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
