i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
