Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
