my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
