You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
