She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
