i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
