You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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