The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
