I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
