Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
