The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
