a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
