U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
