actually, I'm a sock model
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
