all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
