I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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