I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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