im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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