Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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