My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
