Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
