Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
