So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
