Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
