Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
