some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the day after is always just damage control
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
