u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
