If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
