I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
