If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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