My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
