i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
