I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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