My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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