i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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