I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
