DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
